The Bakers Adventures

It’s been a while since I’ve taken the time to write and honestly the days have started to blur into one another. Lately, I’ve begun to see the cracks forming… cracks that Dan used to hold together so effortlessly. He was the gorilla glue keeping everything in place and now it’s just me… barely holding things together with my PVA. I’ve been doing my absolute best but it’s been humbling (and at times really hard) to face just how much I relied on him and how much I struggle without him.

The chores, the demands, the weight of expectations… they’ve been overwhelming. And if I’m being honest perhaps Dan and I are both responsible for the high standards I try to uphold. I’ve caught myself feeling frustrated and spiraling into self-sabotaging thoughts over the smallest things. Like the pile of socks on the floor I’ve been stepping over for two days. They’re still there, needing pairing, and instead of just dealing with it I’ve let it consume me. It’s not the socks… it’s the pressure I put on myself and unpicking that has been a slow messy process.

Sometimes I convince myself that all these expectations stem from Dan… that I’m keeping things the way he likes them… but in reality I know that’s not fair. He’s not here insisting I do it all. These standards? They’re mine. Maybe I created them because I thought I had to or because I felt like I had something to prove. Wherever they came from it’s clear they aren’t sustainable alone. Admitting that has been hard. Letting go of the constant need to show up perfectly is harder. But I know I need to find a healthier balance for everyone’s sake.

Emotionally it’s been a rollercoaster. PMDD has made the luteal phase of my cycle particularly tricky as it always does. It’s like a magnifying glass on every feeling and it takes so much energy to stay steady. This phase is my most vulnerable and it’s been a learning curve to recognise when I need to slow down, cut out triggers, and be selective with where I spend my energy. While I’ve had some wobbles I’m proud of how I’ve managed so far. I’ve proven that I know what I need, who I can lean on, and what boundaries to set during this time.

The last couple of days though have been teary ones. I miss Dan. I feel the weight of the constant juggle… the lack of sleep, the loneliness, the repetition of routines, trying to create Christmas joy when it doesn’t quite feel the same. The editing that never seems to end hasn’t helped either… it’s so hard to focus when the to-do list feels endless.

The girls have been much better since we passed the halfway mark. The sadness of Dan leaving has shifted to the excitement of counting down to his return. But they’re still testing me as kids do. Wrappers left around the house, breakfast carnage on the sofa, defiance when asked to help… it’s all been a lot to deal with when my emotional capacity has been running on empty. I know I expect a lot from them as 7- and 8-year-olds but they’re capable of doing the basics. After my mini meltdown (triggered by the breakfast mess) they’ve started making more of an effort to be mindful and considerate. I remind myself they’re navigating their own emotions too but in the moment when I’m spinning 12 plates it’s hard to let the little things go.

I’ve only had three big wobbles since Dan left which I feel really proud of because staying stable was one of my biggest concerns. Knowing I’ve coped this far gives me hope even though I can’t deny the looming dread of doing this again hangs heavy in the back of my mind. People tell me it’ll get easier but I’m not convinced yet.

Still I can see Dan thriving in this new chapter. While there’ve been challenges for him too he seems to have found peace in his experience which makes my hard days easier to bear. And I know there’s a lesson for me in all of this too… to let go of perfectionism, to stop stepping over the metaphorical (and literal) piles of socks, and to keep showing up with what I have even when it doesn’t feel like enough.

Ten days to go and I’m looking forward to his homecoming. Maybe once the bulk of my editing is done and the weight of responsibility lightens I’ll finally feel a little festive. If nothing else I’ll be ready to let Christmas in… just in time for us to be together again.