The Bakers Adventures

The past couple of days have felt heavy. A flatness has crept in, leaving me feeling downbeat and withdrawn. I’ve been isolating myself, giving myself the space to breathe and focus on climbing out of this funk. But I’ve also granted myself permission to just be in it. The old me would have rushed to be ready and available for anyone who needed me. To mask, pretend and show up despite how drained I am feeling. But this new, healing version of myself knows better. I’ve learned to give myself first priority when I’m running on empty, preserving what’s left for me and the girls. Turning off my phone entirely and locking my door to just give me total freedom to be with myself.

I’m not selfish with my time or energy. In fact, I give so much of it away that it often only leaves me with just droplets to share with Pearl and Erin. And that’s not enough… not for them, not for anyone. So, I’ve accepted that especially when I’m the only one responsible for keeping us afloat, it’s my duty to have enough for them, plentiful for them. What’s left, if anything, I can choose where it goes.

Today was Pearl’s nativity. She’s been so excited, practising her lines with pride and confidence. I was so ready to see her shine… except I didn’t. The chairs were so poorly placed that I couldn’t see a poxy thing. I was devastated.. not for me, but for her. She worked so hard, and I couldn’t even give her the gift of my beaming face cheering her on. I tried standing, only to be told I was a fire hazard. Honestly, a fire hazard? What are we coming to as a nation when the simple, proud act of watching your child perform is deemed a safety concern? It’s maddening.

Still, I could hear her. Her sweet, unapologetic voice rising above the crowd, full of confidence and joy. Pearl is such a showgirl, so unapologetically herself, and I pray she never loses that spark. Even without the perfect view, she knew I was there, and I know that meant the world to her.

At home, things have been improving. After some tough conversations this weekend, the girls have made huge efforts to show more respect and kindness. I’ve been intentional about acknowledging these changes, and the difference it’s made in our day-to-day has been profound. My mood feels inconsistent..release is coming in my cycle ( late it appears ), and I know the clouds will part soon.. but having a peaceful home has made all the difference.

On the other hand, my withdrawal has meant less connection with Daniel the past few days. When I get into these states, I tend to disconnect, avoiding emotions I don’t want to face. And truthfully, offloading onto Dan when he’s so far away and unable to change anything feels unfair and unproductive. It’s been a conscious decision to deal with my feelings solo and find peace in my ability to support myself. There’s something empowering about knowing I can stand on my own. That said, it’s a habit I’ll need to remember to undo when he’s home..I’ve become so used to doing it all alone.

Speaking of home, we’re nearly there now. I’ve almost forgotten what it feels like to be held, to have the life and laughter he brings into this house. I’m doing my best to fill the space he’s left, and the girls and I have created some beautiful memories. But Dan is the glitter. He is the sparkle that makes everything shine a little brighter.

Not long now.. And when he’s back, I know everything will feel a little lighter, a little easier, and a whole lot brighter. Until then, I’ll keep holding us together the best I can.