The Bakers Adventures

After what feels like the longest three days, I finally came on yesterday.. The release is such a relief. Although the physical discomfort isn’t fun, it’s so much easier to manage than the internal suffering PMDD brings. It’s isolating and frightening how low it can take you… like someone’s flipped a switch, and you’re plunged into darkness. But already, I’m feeling a shift. My light is coming back, even if the fatigue from it all is still weighing me down.

The exhaustion of juggling everything during my luteal phase has been unreal. I’ve been running on about 4 hours of sleep a night for weeks now, and I’m so tired that my body refuses to rest. The insomnia has been relentless. I think not having Dan next to me plays a huge part… after 12 years of sharing a bed, the emptiness is unsettling. I know I’m paranoid about taking anything to help me sleep because, as the sole carer, I need to stay alert for the girls. Life as a mum, right?

But the good news is… I’ve finally finished all my Christmas mini sessions! Forty-six families over five different days. Every single client was over the moon. All this while holding down the fort with the girls, the house, and the changes. Honestly… I amaze myself sometimes.

Once I wrap up my weddings next week (yes, I have two back to back weddings a day after Dan comes home.. heartbreaking timing), I’m giving myself permission to slow down. Dan can catch up with the girls, his family, and friends, but selfishly, Sunday is ours. I’ll soak up every cuddle, every laugh, and every car sing-along. Six sleeps. Not that I’m counting!

Tonight was our wreath-making workshop, and honestly, it was just what I needed. A lovely, chilled evening with family and close friends—feeling festive and getting creative. I took on the roles of tree cutter, cheerleader, chef, and host (a multitasking queen), but the real joy was watching everyone else’s creations transform. Each wreath was so unique, a little reflection of its maker, and it reminded me how something so simple can bring so much joy and togetherness.

As much as I loved the evening, I have to admit that I’ve always struggled with the emotion of excitement. It’s something I’ve worked on in therapy, and I’ve come to understand it better, even though I don’t physically feel it like others seem to. I can understand the concept of excitement and recognize it in other people—I even say “I’m excited” when I know I should feel that way… but the actual emotion doesn’t show up for me.

Dan and I have talked about this a lot over the years, trying to pinpoint when and why this might have been cut off for me. We’ve explored ways to reignite that spark because it’s a feeling I deeply miss and crave. I think it’s tied to being chronically overwhelmed; when life feels like too much, emotions can become tangled, confusing, or even numbed. Sometimes they’re too intense, other times too fleeting, and often, they don’t arrive at all.

But here’s the thing: for the first time in years, I’ve been getting little butterflies thinking about Dan coming home. It’s such a small thing for many, but for me, it’s monumental. The last time I physically felt excitement like this was probably when we got married. It’s fleeting, but it’s there, and I’m so grateful for it.

Life has a way of dulling certain emotions when we’re stretched too thin, and moments like these—when a flicker of something as pure as excitement breaks through—feel like a gift. It’s a reminder to keep searching for the joy and to hold onto those fleeting feelings when they come.

Tomorrow, we’re off to Brighton for ice skating and Christmas fun. It’s going to be hilarious since I can barely skate, and I’m usually clinging to the side for dear life. But it’ll be worth it for the hot chocolates, donuts, and a hunt for cute Christmas pyjamas.

Six sleeps to go… and I’m genuinely starting to feel it.